Battle of the Bulges.

What better way to spend a night of leisure, after a long day of work than sitting in front of your TV and watching shitty action movies right?

That's what I had in mind yesterday when I decided I wasn't in the mood to think and decided to treat myself to a double bill of Priest and The Mechanic.

Let it be established that I am, by no means, the target audience for either of these movies, I just wanted to see them for well, the beef factor.

Priest gave me this:

The amazing Paul Bettany's abs appeared for little less than a second and the rest of the movie, which is an uninspired postapocalyptic mix of The Searchers and Underworld, other characters talked about Bettany's character's chastity.

The Mechanic ineversely gave me these (all within the first ten minutes! Plus gratuitous scenes with Ben Foster and Jason Statham caught in tiny spaces)

Bettany might be the better actor, although you really couldn't say based on his recent work, but Statham knows that if you got it, you should flaunt it!

Grades (based on factors beyond the beef)

Priest *

The Mechanic **

The Expendables **

Director: Sylvester Stallone
Cast: Sylvester Stallone, Jason Statham, Jet Li, Randy Couture
Dolph Lundgren, Terry Crews, Eric Roberts, Mickey Rourke
Steve Austin, David Zayas, Arnold Schwarzenegger, Bruce Willis

It's a who's who of the most famous action stars of the past three decades in The Expendables, a movie so peculiar that you know no coherent plot is necessary to make it work.
Sly plays Barney Ross, the leader of a mercenary team that includes the characters played by Li, Statham, Lundgren and Crews. No character description could make justice to the stereotypes each of them are playing but this is supposed to be part of the fun.
The Expendables, as they name themselves, are hired by a mysterious man (Willis) to overthrow the dictator (Zavas) of the fictitious island of Vilena. Without even knowing who they're actually working for, but with the promise of fresh victims to decapitate, mutilate and several other CGI verbs, the team takes on the mission.
From the moment of its conception it was obvious that this movie wasn't meant for everyone, after all even its title makes a mockery out of the entire thing to declare this isn't the kind of movie that will rack up awards or change the face of acting (although Rourke does display some serious acting that somehow feels funny in the context, after all his character is named Tool...)
However what might disappoint some is the fact that for all the trivia, references and plain tackiness that surrounds it, the movie isn't really that much fun.
The dialogues, as terrible as they are, could've been at least quotable. The action sequences, as demented and gratuitous as they are, could've at least tried to allow us to see what was going on (especially when they had acrobats like Statham and Li at their service).
The film takes itself so seriously that it forgets that we are living in an era where postmodernist riffs on B-movies are sometimes considered works of genius (see everything Quentin Tarantino touches) and instead of trying to deliver this, The Expendables settles for being another bad movie like the ones these actors are used to making.
Think of it as an Ocean's Eleven with more face lifts, steroids and no real sense of humor (except for Statham who single handedly uplifts every scene he's in). There's a scene in a church that should've been iconic but results awkward and feels strangely forced.
When it comes down to basics The Expendables isn't bad enough to be good, clever enough to be subversive or even bad enough to be plain bad, in the end it's just what it is.

The Bank Job **1/2

Director: Roger Donaldson

Cast: Jason Statham, Saffron Burrows

Stephen Campbell Moore, Daniel Mays, Richard Lintern

Based on a true story, "The Bank Job" takes on the September 11, 1971 robbery of a London bank, where over a hundred safety boxes were emptied and a D-Notice was released to the press in order to preserve the identity of all the involved.

Jason Statham plays Terry Leathers, a small time crook trying to live the decent life as a garage owner. His ex-girlfriend Martine (a sumptuous Burrows) tells him that she has the floor plans to a local bank and if they pull off a heist they can retire and live the big life.

What Terry doesn't know is that Martine is being blackmailed by a MI5 agent (Lintern) who knows she has contacts in the underworld and is trying to recover some information from one of the safety boxes that incriminates a certain member of the British Royal Family.

In more than one way, beginning with the Steve McQueen-ness of Statham, "The Bank Job" is a direct throwback to classic films of the genre.

Like "Rififi" it takes us to every step of the process, including the consequences, which are often obviated in the genre because they take the glamour away from the crime.

During the actual heist sequences the movie can't stress enough the fact that these people are not professionals and that everything can go wrong when we least expect it.

The simple fact that you never see them wearing gloves makes you gasp and wonder how things will turn out for them.

Director Donaldson does marvellous work keeping suspense and giving the film a darkly comedic touch when it needs it the most.

"The Bank Job" plays more like "Boogie Nights" for thieves than any of the Ocean's flicks, because it embraces the grittiness that comes with any sort of crime.

The characters sadly aren't the kind which you totally identify with, they mostly remain archetypes and when the script attempts to give them some dramatic tension the results are more awkward than interesting.

And it's here where the film doesn't pull off the masterful hit with the audience, as it dangles dangerously between its intentions of uncovering history and the limitations that must come with making a movie out of it.

One of the movie's most delightful elements is how it peels off layers revealing a British hierarchy that goes beyond social classes.

There's mobsters, corrupt policemen, kinky royals, porn barons and more, all looking to preserve their status.

And when the film concentrates on what will happen next, there's a whole lot of wonder not even a safe is able to contain.